With our first baby about to drop I thought I’d share 5 really important things I’ve learnt about pregnancy in no particular order.

  1. 1. Pictures in books scare me.

Pregnancy is all about buying books that nobody gets round to reading. I was pretending to read one to appease my wife this morning and got quite a shock.  I think it’s called Pregnancy Without Heroin or something similar. It’s one of those books that tells you if you light enough candles and dim the lights and rub crystals on your boobs you can do the whole thing without the joy of modern drugs. Anyways it has this particular picture (see below) that features illustrated bushy pubic hair not seen since the Joy Of Sex.  This extremely popular sexual guidebook has sold a gazillion copies and was credited with introducing the 69’er to the people of Wagga Wagga.

This picture troubled me deeply and childhood memories of stumbling across my parent’s copy, featuring that scary man with the Jesus beard indulging in some hard core 1970’s style fellatio/cunnilingus, had me scrambling to book in to see a therapist.

Enough hand movement to the left or right will make the pubic hair disappear.

The book that introduced the 69er to Wagga Wagga in 1982

  1. 2. People who do scans are weird.

EVERYONE tells you that when you see the first scans of your child you will be reduced to tears. I’m sorry but this was never going to happen when with the nut job medico-scan-lady we had.  There is no scarier sight than a woman rolling what can only be described as a sanitary condom on to an internal probe while asking the following? “So is Karl Stefanovic a fuck stick in real life? He looks like a fuck stick.” It’s incredibly hard to cry at the first sight of your baby when the magical moment is interrupted with “ I’ve heard Kochie’s a poof in real life? Have you heard that?” Which incidentally I haven’t.

  1. 3. I’m not going to call our child Jaxon or Charlize.

 

Enough said.

Darren forgot to check whether the child was his or not before he got ink

  1. 4. Prams are a rip off.

In the good old days if you wanted to move a child you would simple put it in a basket made of papyrus and send it down The Nile. These days you almost need to take out a second mortgage on these stupid contraptions. Luckily people leave them around at shopping centres so I just jumped in the car, went to Bondi Junction and helped myself to the best one I could find.  I wonder who the Crowe family are?

The “Old School” cheap way to move babies around before the invention of the Bugaboo

  1. 5. Apparently some foods can give you a congested vagina

 

The things you learn. I can’t remember which foods supposedly do this; it’s either bananas, pears or Violet Crumbles.  I’m not sure what a congested vagina is but if you do happen to smash a pack of bite size Violet Crumbles in a moment of weakness, I’m sure it can be fixed with a butter menthol suppository.