The Rant

7  THINGS  YOUR FRIENDS DO THAT SHIT YOU.

Friends are ace, we love them but they also drive us fucking mad. Here’s seven ways that they can give you the shits.

1.Taking Photos of Old Piers and Logs.

What clicks in people’s minds when they see and old piece of wood with a rusted bolt hanging out of it and they instantly thing “Wow that would make a great photo” Actually it won’t. It’s just a shit old piece of wood.  Here’s a message for you: Annie Leibovitz called and she said “Stick to taking picture your your penie/vagina and sending them to footy players.”

2.Feeling like a Hero for Making A Bill Granger Recipe.

“Oh It’s from Bills book it’s soooo easy” Fuck! Shoot me now ! I never want  to hear these words again. I’m sorry but dabbing some McLean’s toothpaste on your balls, whacking on some white jeans and knocking up some hotcakes from one of Bill’s books doesn’t make you some sort of culinary hero. The reason he’s sold a gazillion of his book is because any fuckjob can make one of his recipes. The only thing scarier than going to a dinner party hosted by one of these posers is the though of Maggie Beer in a strap on coming at me with a bottle of extra virgin olive oil in her hand.

3.Still Going to Musical Festivals

You’re 45, put those fucking G-star jeans away and take up golf.

4.Putting a Picture of Your Sponsor Child on the Fridge.

Excuse me! Can somebody call the Irony Police? There is something horribly wrong with being faced with a little picture of Mabooboo every time you help yourself to another Choc Yogo.  Enjoy your snack while your little buddy has to eat grey lead pencils every night for dinner.  Doesn’t your little mate deserve to be on the mantle piece with real people rather than slapped on your whitegoods with a fridge magnet from Video Ezy. If you love the little fucker why don’t you adopt him?

5.Doing a Bit of Craft.

Why don’t you crochet yourself a medal for knitting a 30cm scarf that looks like a project from a special school?  Learning how to do things that people 30 years ago could do with their eyes closed isn’t a fucking miracle. Why don’t you put “Ability to Make Gravy” on your resume while you’re at it?

6.Having Joint Birthday Parties.

Why do people persist in having a party that brings a whole bunch of strangers together for a night of awesome awkwardity? (ok not a real word)

Just because someone has a birthday around yours doesn’t mean I like them too.

7.Still Doing Cocaine.

You’re 45, put those fucking G-star jeans away and take up golf…and you’ll have a heart attack you stupid cunt.

Man About the House has new Dates for Melbourne

                  “Hilarious” The Age   TIM “ROSSO” ROSS RETURNS TO WALSH STREET WITH HIS ACCLAIMED LIVE SHOW   ‘MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE‘   WITH MUSIC BY KIT WARHURST   Eight Shows: THURSDAY 27TH, FRIDAY 28TH, & SATURDAY 29TH MARCH THURSDAY…

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Back to School Fun.

This time of year I always brace myself for “This Is Your Life” style tributes on Facebook as many of our esteemed citizens reach a momentous milestone, the age that enables them to waddle off to school for the very first time. Normally titled “I…

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An open conversation about open plan living.

When it comes to our home interiors, on the North Shore they tend to favour French provincial, while in the Inner West it’s all about vintage, industrial and retro. In the Shire they’re still mad for feature walls, in the West its tank sized couches…

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MAN ABOUT THE HOUSE PHOTOS

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Trends

If it wasn’t for fads, trends and crazes we would never witnessed the meteoric rise and the inevitable demise of wheat grass shots, chardonnay, roller blading, focaccias and the fake hair scrunchie. This month I thought I’d cast an exploratory eye over what’s currently blowing…

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Do we really love open plan living?

When it comes to our home interiors, on the North Shore they tend to favour French provincial, while in the Inner West it’s all about vintage, industrial and retro. In the Shire they’re still mad for feature walls, in the West its tank sized couches…

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DADDY DAY…A BIT RUBBISH?

A mate of mine has been looking after his four year old son while his wife has gone back to part time work on weekends.  An Eastern suburbs larrikin and mad punter, he keeps young Billy entertained on Saturday afternoons by taking him to see…

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Bad Habits

I don’t think we need Billy Field in a pair of Dustin Hoffman Tootsie glasses, tinkling the ivories of a Steinway, to let us know that we pack a serious punch when it comes to bad habits in this city. We shouldn’t be content to…

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Food

Have you noticed that food bloggers have suddenly become the new wine wankers? At your local restaurant they present as normal diners, happily chatting away like real people.  Then suddenly, as soon as their meal arrives, they whip out their iphone and artfully take snaps…

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WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

What has happened to our beloved TV stars from the past? Don’t believe those bullshit TV specials here’s the real truth.   FRED SAVAGE   In the late 80’s and early 90’s the world went Kevin Arnold crazy as we watched his on again off…

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