The Rant


Friends are ace, we love them but they also drive us fucking mad. Here’s seven ways that they can give you the shits.

1.Taking Photos of Old Piers and Logs.

What clicks in people’s minds when they see and old piece of wood with a rusted bolt hanging out of it and they instantly thing “Wow that would make a great photo” Actually it won’t. It’s just a shit old piece of wood.  Here’s a message for you: Annie Leibovitz called and she said “Stick to taking picture your your penie/vagina and sending them to footy players.”

2.Feeling like a Hero for Making A Bill Granger Recipe.

“Oh It’s from Bills book it’s soooo easy” Fuck! Shoot me now ! I never want  to hear these words again. I’m sorry but dabbing some McLean’s toothpaste on your balls, whacking on some white jeans and knocking up some hotcakes from one of Bill’s books doesn’t make you some sort of culinary hero. The reason he’s sold a gazillion of his book is because any fuckjob can make one of his recipes. The only thing scarier than going to a dinner party hosted by one of these posers is the though of Maggie Beer in a strap on coming at me with a bottle of extra virgin olive oil in her hand.

3.Still Going to Musical Festivals

You’re 45, put those fucking G-star jeans away and take up golf.

4.Putting a Picture of Your Sponsor Child on the Fridge.

Excuse me! Can somebody call the Irony Police? There is something horribly wrong with being faced with a little picture of Mabooboo every time you help yourself to another Choc Yogo.  Enjoy your snack while your little buddy has to eat grey lead pencils every night for dinner.  Doesn’t your little mate deserve to be on the mantle piece with real people rather than slapped on your whitegoods with a fridge magnet from Video Ezy. If you love the little fucker why don’t you adopt him?

5.Doing a Bit of Craft.

Why don’t you crochet yourself a medal for knitting a 30cm scarf that looks like a project from a special school?  Learning how to do things that people 30 years ago could do with their eyes closed isn’t a fucking miracle. Why don’t you put “Ability to Make Gravy” on your resume while you’re at it?

6.Having Joint Birthday Parties.

Why do people persist in having a party that brings a whole bunch of strangers together for a night of awesome awkwardity? (ok not a real word)

Just because someone has a birthday around yours doesn’t mean I like them too.

7.Still Doing Cocaine.

You’re 45, put those fucking G-star jeans away and take up golf…and you’ll have a heart attack you stupid cunt.

Leave a Comment