I was at a wedding the other day and  some rather wise, but now somewhat rather boring old friends, suggested that my upcoming fatherhood will soften me and take away a sizeable wedge of my cynicism.

So as the personality Armageddon comes racing towards me, it’s time to let fly on some ridiculous fucking comments I had heard over the last couple of weeks. Bombs away

“I’ve just done a detox and  I feel amazing.”

Fuck me, when has going without the booze and a Red Rooster Hawaiian pack for two weeks suddenly been a resume worth achievement?  Oh you’ve steamed some vegetables, bravo! I better give the Governor –General a call and organise you an Australia Day medal. Was it really that hard to take a bag full of almonds into the Gold Class cinema to see Water For Elephants?  And what’s with the pious superiority that goes with the phrase “I can’t I’m on a detox” ? I’m glad it’s over can you stop being a fuckwit now and eat some salami?

It only takes 14 days for you to become a sanctimonious turd.

“Master Chef has jumped the shark”

Everybody seems to be an expert on TV these days, particularly ratings and this statement was a cracker. Unless Matt Preston starts cleaning the shit stains out of his white jeans with Handee Ultra wipes in between invention tests, I think Masterchef is pretty safe. No twitter in the naughty corner for you Captain Fucktard.

"Gary, I think I may have just followed through."

“I think we’ll have one baby then adopt”

Yeah right. Who are you telling? Me or Woody Allen?

"But how do i tell my parents?"

“I’ve discovered this amazing grain called quinoa”

No you didn’t, I think you’ve mistaken you and your Eastern suburbs cronies for the Incas again.  Last time I checked (which was on Google 2 minutes ago) this “new” wonder grain began turning up on dinner plates in South America about 7000 years ago.  What’s worse is that the enormous demand created by you and your wholefoods, fibre crunching, trendy mates has caused the price of the grain to rise so high that some South Americans can’t afford to buy it anymore. So while their long term dietary staple gets shipped off to overpriced health stores, they have to resort to feeding their kids Pop Tarts.

"Wow it's just like brown rice but ten times more fucking expensive, hoorah"

“I’m living the dream”

Unless you name happens to be Jay-Z, I’m always pretty cynical when people profess to be “living the dream.”

The last guy who said this to me had prefaced it by saying “I’ve split up with me wife, quit me job and blown all me money” If he is in fact living the dream, so too is Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Joel Monaghan and Renee Lawrence.

To keep up to date with Renee check out her blog livingthedream.com/nasigoreng